I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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