If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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