dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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