Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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