This is not my ceiling
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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