It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
