Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
