Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
