high people should be assigned attendants
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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