i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
