apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
