my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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