I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
