I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
