I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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