My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
