A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
