I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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