Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
