The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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