Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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