I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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