i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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