I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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