He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
