just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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