I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
operation have a gay friend backfired
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
