God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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