Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
