The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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