Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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