Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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