the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As shirtless as possible
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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