Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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