ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
