Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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