You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
