Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I want a musical about memes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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