in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
