you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
