you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
