I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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