At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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