I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize