I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
