for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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