tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
