I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
