i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
YAS. BRING CRAB.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize