Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
