he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
