My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
