Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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