On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
