They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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