Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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