i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
