i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
