I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
