I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We are two peas in an std pod
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Pooping to opera.
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